Coping with Discouragement and Frustration

From KB, 2004
There will be times of discouragement and frustration.  There are always hills and valleys that we are traveling on.  In all times we need to look to God to be our strength, to keep on seeking Him with all our hearts, giving Him all our worries and concerns.  He will take us through the hard times.  It is when we try to do it on our own that we can’t make it.  Looking to other believers would be a source of encouragement and being in the Word.  To cope in those tough times, take one day at a time.  Look not at the things going wrong but the things that are going well.  Trust is a big part of coping, but it is very hard to do when things may not seem well at all.  I want to learn about the hard times of mission work, the ultimate lows and struggles.  I want to find out what people have done to get through each day when all efforts seem useless.  What are some frustrations and discouragements to be aware of?  How have others played a part in those times?  How has God? What brought on the frustrations?  When did they start?  Was it a growing thing that gradually built up?  Or from a situation that arose quickly?  Have they ever wanted to leave?  Why or why not?  Why did they stay?  Is there anything that can be done to avoid discouragements?  What became of the frustrations?  Did fruit come from the pruning?

From Clippings about Coping:
In times of discouragement, anger may surface, which is not wrong in itself, but rather in how it is used.  Don’t be hasty in dealing with anger.  Feelings are a gift from God and we shouldn’t deny them or be controlled by them. 

Some guidelines for managing feelings:
    Seek to learn about your feelings.
    Assume responsibility for your feelings.
    Monitor your emotional experience at times.
    Practice the process of telling yourself the truth.
    Seek to spend some alone time regularly.
    Rehearse and seek to practice responses that you associate with loving and caring feelings. 

The following three self-defeating things reinforce each other in a circular manner referred to as the Lethargy Cycle:
 Self-defeating Thoughts: “There’s no point in doing anything.  I don’t have the energy.  I’m not in the mood.  I’ll probably fail if I try.  Things are too difficult.  There wouldn’t be any satisfaction if I did anything anyway.”

 Self-defeating Emotions:  You feel tired, bored, apathetic, self=hating, discouraged, guilty, helpless, worthless, and overwhelmed.

 Self-defeating Actions: You stick to bed.  You avoid people, work, and all potentially satisfying activities.

Remember you are not alone.

Seek objectivity.

Face the facts.

Accept responsibility for your actions.

Recognize that change comes slowly.

Check your motivations.

Evaluate your experiences

From MM, 2003
Always remember that missionary work is a sacrifice, but it is worth it.  Don’t plan on things always being easy and pleasurable, plan ahead so you will know what kind of sacrifices you will have to make, and create strategies for dealing with the losses, and changes.

Ideas from KA, 2003

• The number one problem in missionary work today is broken, strained relationships. Today the church is often tragically diverted from the task of communicating the Gospel because of broken relationships. Biblical ways to cope with this: (Stepping Out, chapter 16)
• Allow God’s love to cover your interactions with others
• Ask for forgiveness
• When you’re aware of another believer’s sin, go and confront them compassionately
• Some practical ideas for dealing with culture stress: (Stepping 148-151)
• Talk it out
• Talk with a national
• Talk with your spouse or housemate
• Talk with other expatriates
• Talk to yourself by journaling and letter writing
• Get into a routine
• Try to learn the local language
• Learn all you can
• Examine your expectations
• Keep learning about your own culture
• Use the opportunity to grow spiritually

From interview with Professor F:

• Keep in mind that missionary work is a sacrifice - but that sacrifice is worth it.
• Expect some of your programming to fail. You will be humbled. But the thing that matters the most is who you are, not the programs you started.
• To prevent conflict with other missionaries, be sure to communicate openly and often.
• Remember, “Even if these institutions fail, the work I’ve done with individual people will never be lost”.
• Keep in mind that it takes an average of 7 times to hear the Gospel before some people will accept it. You may be the 6^th time. Even if they reject it, you’ve planted a seed.
• “When you get there, count on the fact that you’re probably going to be fantastically disappointed, but remember that’s normal”

• How to cope with discouragement (Karen B. Video)
• Maintain spiritual discipline and prayer
• Find people you can talk to
• Plan times to get together with people from your culture
• Read devotional books (bring them with you!)
• Keep a journal
• Keep supporters informed of your prayer needs
• Then you get letters in return!
• Complain in letters, but not to your family because they’ll beg you to come home!
• Go on vacations

From the book Culture Shock

• Self love and self esteem are necessary for healthy living (26)
• “Self-love in its essence is a love for one’s own soul: an appreciation for the worth of oneself as a person made in the image of God.” (26)
• “Self-esteem is the evaluation which an individual makes and customarily maintains with regard to himself. It expresses an attitude of approval or disapproval, and indicates the extent to which the individual believes himself to be capable, significant, successful and worthy.” (26)
• “The person who loves himself can afford to be gentle, understanding and generous in dealing with others and with himself.” (30)
• “People with low self-esteem experience many debilitating problems such as discouragement, depression, mental inefficiency and emotional pain.” (37)

• Cross-cultural stress results in a significantly reduced level of performance by those under its influence (47)
• “Direct exposure to an alien society usually produces a disturbing feeling of disorientation and helplessness that is called culture shock” (47)
• What is threatened most by entry into an alien culture is one’s self-esteem (50)
• One of the earliest struggles the new worker has is in the area of language learning (51)

• “Not only do missionaries face tremendous stress due to the difficulty of the work they are trying to do but also because of the very high standards expected of them” (61).
• “The missionary does not need to worry about whether or not he is adequate for all of the trials that will be set before him. His adequacy is from God (II Corinthians 3:5)” (63).
• “The present image of the missionary held by most Christians is unscriptural because the emphasis is put on doing rather than being” (68).
• “God said, ‘I am who I am.’ He did not say ‘I do what I do.’ His character determines his action and not vice-versa” (68).
• Response to the idealist image of the missionary
• “The typical response to the inflated image of a missionary is to work harder to try to measure up to it” (65).
• “In the new missionary role, expectation quickly outpaces performance. New workers believe that once they have become choice servants of the Lord they will automatically achieve more. In reality, because of culture stress, achievement is drastically decreased” (66).
• “Illness may continue indefinitely as a defense mechanism against the impossible demands of the missionary image” (67).

• “If you could once make up your mind in the fear of God never to take on more work of any sort than you can carry on calmly, quietly, without hurry or flurry, and the instant you feel yourself growing nervous, and like one out of breath, would stop and take breath, you would find this simple common-sense rule doing for you what no prayers or tears could ever accomplish” (68).
• During the missionary’s first term stress comes from three different sources: (73)

1.      Culture stress and the needs to relearn acceptable behavior

2.      Stress imposed by the idealistic missionary image and the resultant pressure to achieve

3.      Stress of normal life change events taking place with the initiation of a missionary career.

• “Mission boards want to recruit better candidates, but there are no better. These are the best, and the vast majority of them are capable of making it victoriously…Field leadership must not expect new candidates to be spiritually finished products who can handle any amount of stress. Missionaries are people in progress, and it is necessary to exercise patience with them while the Lord continues their development” (79).
• Fifteen tips for survival to new workers (Ch. 6):

1.       Set reasonable goals

·        “It is vain for you to rise up early, to retire late, to eat the bread of painful labor; for He gives to His beloved even in his sleep” Psalm 127:2

2.      Don’t take your job description too seriously

·        “In frustrating times, remember that your significance is not determined by your performance…the vital core of true missionary work is not task- oriented, but people-oriented”

3.      Be committed to joy

·        “You don’t need to apologize for being joyful; it is a characteristic of the Spirit-filled life, even though joyful people are rare individuals”

4.      Maintain good emotional health

·        Have a wide range of interests and friends

·        See alternative solutions to personal crises

·        Recognize and accept your limitations and assets

·        Treat other people as persons

·        Be active and productive, use your gifts to benefit yourselves and others

5.      Remember that you are human

·        Exercise to avoid fatigue

·        Seek love and companionship from others

·        Read at least one book a month that’s not professional

·        Daily devotions

6.      Don’t be afraid of being a little bit eccentric

·        “Don’t feel forced to conform in every way to the idealized image of Joe Missionary. If you do, you will squelch your creativeness and vigor of life”

7.      Be flexible

·        Be inflexible in your purpose with Christ, but flexible in your dealings with human beings

8.      Don’t take yourself too seriously

·        “If you don’t take yourself too seriously, you won’t take your problems too seriously. You will not ignore them, but neither will you let them get out of perspective”

9.      Reduce your stress where possible

·        “When the Lord’s work begins to feel like a curse instead of a blessing, you had better cut down your activity”

10. Make your culture change gradual

·        “To make a slow start in a new situation is the best way to keep from being overwhelmed by newness”

11.  Forgive yourself: forgive others

·        Don’t be too hard on your fellow missionaries

12.  Establish some close friendships with people from the host culture

·        View those in the new culture as fellow human beings

13.  Be thankful

·        When thanks ceases, it is because we have wrong goals

14.  Be an encourager

·        Look for ways to build up other people

15.  Take courage: someone understands

·        Jesus knows all about cross-cultural adjustment, and He shares your struggles with you

 (interview with BO)

• “God is big….It’s the way life is, there are frustrating parts, but it’s easier because they we really believe God wants us there”
•  (interview with Dr. C):

• The first 24 hours may be the most frustrating as you realize that you are incompetent at the very basic levels of living. You don’t know how to get food, how to talk to anyone, how to take a shower.  Even when you know the language well enough to carry on a conversation, it will still be a struggle to have deep, heart-to-heart conversations. Even if they know English, they will still probably think different than Americans do. Sometimes the best way to communicate is simply to listen.….

Interview with SW:

• You may have to change part of who you are in order to adapt to the culture. Realize this, accept it, and gradually change yourself.
• Make friends with the other missionaries as well as with the native people. It does not work to keep all your emotions and thoughts to yourself. Opening yourself up to others is one of the best ways to cope with frustration.
• Pray!!

Interview with D family:

• Realize that the first six months will be exciting, but for about the 6^th-9^th month expect to be very frustrated and discouraged. If you are expecting this to happen it will not be as bad.
• Rough times included: illnesses, war, evacuation, loneliness, and unfulfilled expectations. Satan wants to keep you lonely and depressed. He wants you to doubt why you’re there. To cope with this, “Don’t question in the dark what God has made clear to you in the light.”
• Realize that the work you think you should be doing may take longer as a result of cultural aspects. We would be doing translation work and someone would come by who needed us to drive him/her to the clinic. Also, on days of funerals (which were fairly frequent) all work stopped.

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